Better

I am, for the time being, feeling SO much better than I did when I wrote the last entry.

cry

I’m hitting a slump. It happens. I haven’t hit one in quite a while. I suppose I should have anticipated its arrival.

These are the days I think I should probably go back to therapy. I’ve been down, and farther down. There hasn’t been an up today. Yesterday was kind of blah. I mean, the kids were cute, and I’m glad they had a good time. But I felt rather numb. Friday sucked. Friday I was just drained all day.

I’ve numbed myself through the years. I used to cry uncontrollably when I hit these slumps. Now, I don’t feel like I can cry. I want to cry. I get close, then I clam up on myself. I don’t know how much of that is me being unable to because men never understand. My husband doesn’t. The few times he has seen me really cry, he hasn’t known how to react. I don’t blame him. It has to be hard to understand why someone cries, when you’ve only cried twice in the last three years. He’s just not the crying sort. I used to cry at the crossing of an eye.

But after years of ridicule for my “sensitivity” and being called “crazy” by my ex-husband and ex-in-laws… well, you just harden yourself up and turn a part of yourself off so that no one can see.

I let my therapist see at the beginning of the year. I can always cry when I’m at therapy. I let it all just flow out and it starts the second I get in her office.

I retract my previous statement. Hubs has handled a couple of instances of me crying very well. It just seems there’s a “time limit” to that patience. Again, not blaming him…it’s just part of him, just like my crying and occasional depression is part of me. And he doesn’t ridicule me for it. He just doesn’t understand it. He accepts that it’s how I am and he supports that I go to a therapist when I know it’s starting to win over my mindframe. If I took meds, he’d support that too. Right now, I’m thinking my therapists offer at the beginning of the year to help me get in with a psychiatrist for some anti-anxiety medication might not be a bad idea. “Take off the edge” as she put it before.

Sometimes I just feel lonely. I feel like there are very few people I can truly talk to and be myself with, and yet those people have their own lives and so I don’t let myself call them to talk because I don’t want to bother them or interrupt them, and I don’t think that emotionally I would handle it emotionally if they said they were busy because when I get in this funk the irrational side takes over the rational. You see, I have the awareness of what’s right, and wrong. I have the awareness of what’s logical and what’s illogical. But that doesn’t mean that my emotional impulse is to go with the right and logical.

And I’m irritable. I’m so unbelieveably irritable and defensive feeling. I really REALLY dislike these feelings.

I hold so much in such a large portion of the time. It’s like I keep it in this compact box deep within my being, and there comes a point where I’ve shoved to much stuff in the box and I don’t realize until it just busts at the seams and everything comes falling out all over the place.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to punch a metal door. I’m not mad at any one person. No one has triggered this. Something has triggered this. I know what it is. And it makes it hard. Hard to find the motivation to get up in the morning and go about my business. Hard to be productive. Hard to function in my normal capacity. Hard to complete the daily remedial tasks, let alone anything extra.

I’m at that point where I want to quit and give up on most things in my life. I must sound dramatic considering I’m just writing this all out and it seems to come out of the blue. But it’s not. I just don’t write like I used to. I’m sure that doesn’t help me… I’ve neglected my one form of self therapy while hoping that things would just pass and that they were only moments in time scattered about. I have been fooling myself into thinking I was past these days and that I wouldn’t have any more spurts of extended emotional discourse.

I’m pissed at my mother for all the things I wrote about last week. I’m irritated with my husband for not GETTING it in his head that when I’m bleeding like  a stuffed pig for the third time this year, after the third round of emotions dealing with a positive test, and three full weeks of full blown symptoms, that I do NOT want to be grappled and grabbed and stared at. I don’t want to be a sex figure, I do not want to be a piece of meat. I want to be held. I want comfort. I want reassurance.

I want sleep. I want peace and quiet. I want lack of responsibility. I want to hide from the world at large. I want to curl up in bed and I want to cry.

I wish I could cry and get this out.

I wish. I wish this would go away.

I want to quit my job I’ve been trying to quit since the beginning of the year. Husband supports me. He says I don’t ever have to go back if I don’t want to. But my mind won’t let me. I won’t let myself walk on the job. But I can’t produce at the level I once was. I’m burned out.

I want to be at home, and at school. I want to get this house in as close to perfect condition as I can. And I just want life to fall into place.

I want to cry.

 

I know why I was so tired

and I think C and I need to stop trying for a while. Because I don’t like this. Not at all. It’s not our time.

I just feel blech.

If Aunt Flo is coming, I wish she’d show up already. I’m feeling so drained. I’ve  felt nauseated for a week. I’ve had three days spurts of energy, and now I’m in a slump in the energy department. I feel like I could sleep for two days before I’d be caught up. My boobs HURT! C just laid his head on my chest while we were going to sleep last night and I cringed from the pain. I am really wondering about all of this. I “thought” we saw a faint line on pregnancy tests two weeks ago, but perhaps we were mistaken and I hadn’t even started producing enough HcG to test. Then again, I’ve had a headache teasing me all morning and threatening to develop into a migraine which is usually a day before Aunt Flo arrives signal for me. HOWEVER I had a three day migraine and regular headaches with the pregnancy of my youngest. Ugh! I just want to know what’s going on. I feel all these things going crazy inside, but pretty well EVERYTHING has a dual optional explanation.

Yet… I’ve been crazy gassy for three weeks too. We’re talking, everytime I eat something I bloat out so much I look like I’m four months pregnant until I can burp enough or get rid of the gas otherwise. It crossed my mind that I’m already older than my mom was when she had to have her gallbladder out, and I did a 20 page research paper over this stuff back in summer of 2000 (it was of interest because there’s only one or two people in my extended family who still possesses their gallbladder… figured I better get informed of what was pretty well inevitable). So… again, there is a dual possibility for explaining that.

I just know I’m tired today and I’d really like to be at home and sleeping right now. I’m nauseas but I’m hungry. And my boobs hurt (and their about a cup bigger… but I’ve been gaining weight the last two months, so there’s my explanation for that).

Oh yes…

And have I mentioned how tired I am of these “chemical pregnancies” where I get to deal with that pink line, all the symptoms, only to have it all crash. Yeah. Tired of that too. C and I were both feeling so excited about this time too. I mean, I don’t know for certain that it didn’t stick this time, but I just have a feeling. Sometimes I really wish I wasn’t so aware of my body’s changes. I really wish I wasn’t aware of every little thing that is different from body temperature, to uterine activity. But, I’m pretty sure I feel that uterine activity preparing to shed itself of the little zygote that implanted itself. *sigh* Doc says it’s not a bad sign or anything, just that it’s not time. He also says it’s okay if we decide we want to try again since they keep happening so early.

This is something my mother doesn’t comprehend. I’m not carrying into the third month (or the second really, for that matter), let alone the 2nd trimester. That means my body isn’t dealing with the same blow. What she also can’t seem to let sink into that head of hers is that for any woman who isn’t doing anything to prevent pregnancy, they almost literally get pregnant 7 out of 10 months and lose it without ever knowing. Yeah, I’m in those stats… except, reference back to the awareness, I always know.

VENTAGE

My MOTHER is rarely flipping there. I am so sick and tired of this crap. So sick and tired of her pretending to be worried about me when she talks to other people. So sick of her acts. So sick of her controlling attempts. SO SICK OF IT! And it seems she gets her worst this time of year.

I honestly believe the only reason she tried to be so involved with mine and C’s wedding was because she thought it would make her “look good” in the in-law family’s eyes. I’ve never had my mother croon over me. Not until the wedding, but then she was imposing her opinions and views on my decisions. How did I let her do that to me? History. History repeats itself. But not anymore. I’m so tired of the hold she has over not only me, but my siblings as well. It’s unhealthy. It’s not a true parent-child relationship type of “control”… it’s just a “control freak” level of controlling.

She’s a hypocrite and a hypercondriac. She’s a narcissist who thinks that they only thing anyone wants to do is talk about her. She gets all paranoid anytime my sister and I talk or text, automatically assuming that we’re talking about her. Guilty conscience much? Maybe she is always paranoid about that because she knows we have reason to. But seriously? I invite my sister to go to dinner with me last week in a 2 minute phone call and my sister gets drilled by our mother in the “what’s that all about” fashion. Gee. I don’t know. Maybe two sisters wanting to see each other and spend time visiting for the first time in a week when we know our days are numbered before little sister goes off for 6months to a year for mission work out of state? Possibly?!  It used to drive our mother crazy when we didn’t get along as kids, now that we’re older and thoroughly enjoy our time together, it drives her crazy. Of course, mother being a flipping nut case is what brought all of us closer together… we had to band together to have someone else who truly understood what was being dealt with.

Don’t try to blame your lack of attendance at the gym on my little sister living at home with you again. Don’t try to twist the situation with my dad and sister to your benefit and play on her vulnerability. Don’t try to trap her at your house so that she can’t move back to his house. Don’t guilt any of us because we have LIVES… and lives that don’t involve sitting and bitching about catty situations at our place of employment. Not high school drama between grown freaking women.

We want to sit and laugh and have a good time. We want to sing random songs from our favorite musical. We want to talk about our plans for a sister adventure to NYC. NO YOU CAN’T COME! We are spontaneous and want to bounce around the city and be adventurous. We’ll hear you complaining about not feeling well, or wanting things to be scheduled, or wanting things suited to YOUR liking instead of having the ability to just let it go and go with the flow. We want to bounce around the city singing songs from our favorite Broadway productions and take random pictures and be goofy, and not have you scowling at us or being a big fuddy duddy. We aren’t going to act inappropriate or inconsiderate to other people. We aren’t going to be rude. We aren’t like that. But we are going to have fun… two sisters. On an adventure. When our schedules and funds allow. And no you don’t get to be any part of the planning process nor will you have any influence over those plans.

Don’t walk into my house and question with that accusatory tone, as to why my sister would bring me such and such gift from NYC. It was a flipping free publication, not like she spent money. You don’t get it, you didn’t read where I wrote about it and explained, then get over it. If she didn’t get you something, maybe it’s because she knows there’s no pleasing you. Or maybe it’s because your house is in such trashy condition she didn’t want to add to the madness.

If my husband and I decide to purchase something, it is none of your business how much we spent. It is not your place to criticize. We ask for help from no one where our necessities are concerned. And as my husband put it, and I almost wish he would have said it to your face, you spent more than that amount on a machine for one thing. I won’t write that here, not because you are reading this (because you can’t), but because others are and I’m embarrassed for you. Disgusting. Our finances are our business until we make it other people’s business. We are fully capable of putting food on the table, keeping a roof over our head, and clothes on our backs. We are fully capable of keeping our house in decent condition, maintaining vehicle maintenance, and taking the kids to do things. Last I checked we were pretty capable of both attending school, maintaining high grades, helping X maintain honor roll, working our jobs, and still trying to keep everyone happy by attending events and activities and functions. Who are you to say that I can barely handle what I have going on? How would you know? You never call. You never just show up. You never help with things. You use excuses for the few times I’ve asked you to watch your grandkids. And considering I’ve only asked a handful of times in the last 5 years that I have even lived locally, it seems you would be ashamed. I can only pray that I’m a better mother to my kids than you have ever been to the three of us, and that when the day comes I will be a better grandmother.

Well, we’re back to this…

I have something I want to share with the female friends that read. Go to the blogspot address if you want to keep up with it. Message me on FB if you need that address again. But don’t be offended if I don’t give it to you, because I’m keeping this to my close female friends for the time being. A girl has to have a secret or two from time to time, and no better than I am at keeping secrets, I have to entrust a select few to those secrets so I can get the talking out of my system. haha.

If I don’t quit my job today….

it will be a flipping miracle.

Okay… I think this is getting old…

Here I am… once again… and my Aunt Flo is late, but only by like two or three days. My chi-chi’s are all tender. I’ve been EXHAUSTED despite going to bed earlier. And so hungry despite the fact I’ve actually been making the effort to take food with me to munch on during these busy days. I’ve had two negative tests though. So I just need to chill the flip out.

Minions in our midst?

Why is it we’re in high school and people think they should make smartass comments in reply to a comment I put on a friend’s page? And why is it that I’ve let it make me fume? I love that the particular person wants to make it out like I’ve been a bad guy all along. I burned a connection, and I’m aware of that. But, I’ve burned but one. How many mistakes has that commenting person made, yet, is always forgiven.

Two different friends have two different ideas of what will help. That person is left with a decision to choose who she wants to accept things from, and that’s her prerogative… that doesn’t mean the minions need to come lurching after me. I don’t even feel like I can talk to my friend anymore because I figure half of it gets repeated, and the minions are judging me on what little they know about me. But that’s okay. Tables can turn. Whatever. Again, I guess the friendship wasn’t as strong as I thought it had been all these years. BLAH! Can I scream now?

On a side note: I had the most vivid dream last night that I had a positive pregnancy test. That fucked with my head a little. Then all day I’ve been dizzy with every move I’ve made (no, I’m not saying I think I’m pregnant again, I’m just writing about the dizziness for the sake of writing about it). I’ve just been generally disoriented today.